


Snow White and the Eleven Dwarves.

by steeleye



Category: Disney Cartoons (Classic)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Reality, Comedy, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-17 00:03:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2289599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A somewhat different take on the tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...for a start there's four more Dwarves! Warnings: Lesbian relationship, minor violence and some strong language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snow White and the Eleven Dwarves.

Snow White and the Eleven Dwarves.

By Steeleye.

Disclaimer: I do not own the traditional story of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' or Walt Disney's version of it.

Crossover: Not a crossover.

Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar: Written in glorious English-English, which is different to American English.

Timeline: Not applicable.

Words: 3900+

Warnings: Lesbian relationship, minor violence and some strong language.

Summery: A somewhat different take on the tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...for a start there's four more Dwarves!

0=0=0=0

Pacing across the throne room Queen Elvera wrung her hands in worry. It had been five weeks since she had sent out the proclamation for all eligible Handsome Princes to come to her castle.

**‘SPECIAL OFFER!**

_Fed up with fighting dragons or rescuing Princess from high towers? Then come to the Kingdom of Anglia and rescue Snow White from the evil Eleven Dwarves and get her hand in marriage plus half the Kingdom, FREE!’_

Of course there'd been the usual influx of good-for-nothing itinerant Princes out for a quick half a Kingdom. Next there were the bloodthirsty homicidal maniacs that the Queen wouldn’t wish on her own worst enemy. You see the Queen quite liked her stepdaughter so there was no way that any bloodthirsty maniac was going to get any part of Snow's anatomy; and they certainly wouldn’t get one square foot of the Kingdom if she had anything to say about it.

“Fops and lunatics!” the Queen muttered darkly as she paced the throne chamber. 

The Queen had half a mind to ride into the forest and get her stepdaughter back herself. However, if she did that she’d probably come back to find that her idiot King of a husband had pawned the Kingdom to buy more drugs. How had she got herself into this mess? Was she not a powerful witch, and an intelligent woman? Yet here she found herself married to an indolent, drug-crazed, moron of a king ruling over a kingdom in the middle of nowhere.

“Excuse me your Majesty,” the Queen's Chamberlain spoke from the other side of the throne room; “there’s one more candidate for you to see.”

“Which one’s this?” the Queen sighed heavily.

“It’s…umm…it’s…” the Chamberlain seemed disinclined to say who this last candidate was.

“Come on man!” the Queen demanded testily, “Spit it out, I’ve not got all day!” 

“It’s a…erm…Princess Charming of Mercia your Majesty,” the Chamberlain admitted reluctantly.

“Princess?” the Queen Elvera looked at her official more than a little shocked by what she’d just heard.

“Yes Ma’am,” the Chamberlain started to edge slowly towards the door.

“Oh well,” Queen Elvera shrugged her shoulders resignedly, “you might as well show her in; she can’t be any worse than any of the others I’ve seen in the last few weeks.”

The Chamberlain scurried over to one of the many Pages that appeared to infest the castle. The Page ran over to one of the Guards by the door, who listened for a moment to what the Page told him. Finally the guard opened the door and disappeared into the corridor outside the throne room.

While all this was going on Queen Elvera sat on her throne thinking; this is what’s wrong with the country. If doing something simple like showing someone into the throne room takes all this rigmarole. Imagine how long getting something important done would take? The Queen put her elbow on the arm of the throne and rested her head in her hand.

“This place will be the death of me,” she mumbled quietly to herself.

“The Princess Charming of Mercia!” announced the Page after a seemingly interminable wait. 

The Queen looked up to see a young woman stride towards her across the throne room; she was just above average height, with long blonde hair which fell in masses of ringlets around her shoulders. The girl wore doublet and hose with one of those big, white shirts with the puffy sleeves and ruffles that were all the rage these days. On her head she wore a wide brimmed hat with an enormous feather in the hat band. On her legs she wore thigh boots; on her left hip she carried a rapier on her right a dagger. The Princess exuded an air of quiet confidence, as if there was nothing in the world was badder than she was; while at the same time she didn't appear to be a slavering homicidal idiot. 

“I have to say,” Queen Elvera said with a smile; she was more than a little fascinated by her latest visitor, “you don’t look much like a Handsome Prince.”

Bowing low Princess Charming swept off her hat; she straightened up and looked the Queen straight in the eye.

“I like to think of myself as a Stunningly Attractive Princess, your Majesty,” the girl smiled. 

“So you think you’re man…sorry woman enough for the job?” Queen Elvera asked. 

“I believe so, your Majesty,” Charming continued to smile up at the Queen, “if you’d already got someone to do the job I wouldn’t be standing here now, would I? So, you must be pretty desperate to even consider me.”

“You’re right, of course,” sighed the Queen sadly, “the standard of Handsome Princes has fallen since I was a girl…I mean just look at the King…Sheesh!”

Both women tutted and rolled their eyes.

“So,” Charming relaxed, standing with one foot resting on the first step that led to the Queen's throne, “what’s your problem?”

“My stepdaughter, the Princess Snow White, has been kidnapped by the Eleven Dwarves.” explained the Queen sadly, “At least I say kidnapped; I wouldn’t put it past the King to have sold her to the little buggers for more drugs!”

Princess Charming pondered this for a moment her hand resting on her incredibly cute chin. “Eleven? I thought…”

“Yes I know,” Queen Elvera cut off Charming in mid sentence, “traditionally there’s only supposed to be seven,” the Queen shook her head miserably “We got lucky…we’ve got eleven,” the Queen heaved a mighty sigh along with her mighty bosom.

“Excuse me your Majesty,” Charming stepped closer to the throne, “but aren’t you and Snow White supposed to be powerful witches?”

“Yes,” Queen Elvera replied dejectedly, “but those vicious little bastards have set up an anti-magic dampening field all around the Great Forest. I’m afraid magic’s not going to solve my problem this time.”

“Then why don’t you send in the Army?” Charming suggested, “Clear the little bastards out once and for all.”

“HA!” Queen Elvera laughed bitterly, “If only…” she sigh heavily again and her enormous bust rose and fell like an empire, “the King sold all the Army’s weapons and armour for more drugs months ago. I’ve only got these few guards here because I pay for them out of my own pocket.”

“Then by gad!” Charming slapped her thigh; “It looks like I’m your only hope!”

The Queen winced at the sound of the resounding slap Princess Charming had just given her thigh.

“Yes,” nodded the Queen with a pained expression, before adding wearily “it looks that way.” 

“The usual terms then?” Princess Charming wanted to know.

“Yep,” agreed the Queen with a nod, “Half the Kingdom and the Princess’ hand in marriage…although,” the Queen hesitated for a moment. “Due to the, shall we say, unusual circumstances here, I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t add a rider that if the Princess doesn’t wish to ‘marry’ you she doesn’t have to, alright?”

“She’ll want to marry me,” Princess Charming replied confidently.

“You sound very sure of yourself,” mused the Queen.

“I tend to get what I want your Your Majesty,” smirked the Princess, “and what I want is Princess Snow!”

“Brat!” Queen Elvera murmured under her breath; aloud she said, “Oh well, needs must when the devil vomits down your cleavage.”

“AHA!” cried Princess Charming slapping her thigh again and then bowed low to the Queen, “To the Great Forest!” she strode across the throne room towards the door; however, after only a few paces she turned back to look back at the Queen, “Which is which way?” 

“Two days ride to the north,” Queen Elvera explained.

“Right!” Charming slapped her thigh once more, the Queen wished the girl would stop doing that, it must really hurt.

“OH!” Queen Elvera called after the departing warrior Princess, “You’ll want this,” she rummaged about in the cushions on her throne; after a moment she produced a crumpled piece of parchment; “It’s the wanted poster for those pesky dwarves.”

Striding back up to the throne Princess Charming took the poster from the Queen’s hand.

“Have no fear Your Majesty!” Charming punctuated her comment with another mighty thigh slap; the Queen winced yet again. “I shall have the Princess back in the enormous bosom,” the Princess looked longingly at the Queen's bust, “of her family in two shakes of a puppy dog’s tail!”

“Indeed,” Queen Elvera was beginning to think that this was all a very bad idea.

“To the forest!” Princess Charming flourished her hat in the air, bowed low to the Queen once again and strode from the throne room.

“Oy vay!” Sighed the Queen as the door closed with a bang behind the departing Princess.

0=0=0=0

Once the door to the throne room had been closed behind her Princess Charming bent and rubbed her thigh; she really needed to ease up on all the thigh slapping. However, it was something of a nervous habit and she couldn't stop herself; limping along the corridor she made her way down to the courtyard.

Standing and waiting obediently in the courtyard by the water trough was ‘Primrose’ Charming's noble steed. A great white warhorse that her father had given her for her tenth birthday when Primrose was still a colt. When she was ten she'd thought Primrose was a fine name for her ‘little pony’; nowadays she was having second thoughts. Trotting over to Primrose she patted him on the neck before vaulting into the saddle; pulling the horse’s head around so they faced the main gate she cried;

“HI-HO PRIMROSE! AWAAAY!”

The horse reared up on his hind legs and pawed the air with his fore legs before galloping out of the gate leaving only a cloud of dust behind them. After galloping a short distance a thought struck Charming, she pulled Primrose up and turned to trot back to the gate. Looking down at the rather bored guard who stood there, she asked, “North?” The guard pointed. “Thanks!” once again Princess Charming galloped off leaving the guard coughing in a cloud of dust.

0=0=0=0

Taking a swipe at a Bluebird with her broom, Princess Snow White sighed despondently. The bird flew out the window leaving only a few blue feathers behind.

“And don’t you come back!” Snow yelled after the departing bird, “Crapping on my floor when I’ve just finished cleaning it,” muttering to herself as she sat down tiredly in one of the tiny kitchen chairs.

Snow didn’t know what was wrong with the wildlife around here; leave the door open and blasted deer would wander in. Leave a window open and birds, squirrels and rabbits would find their way in to crap on her floors and nibble at any food that'd been left out. As if looking after the eleven of the slobbiest dwarves in the world wasn't bad enough, she had to put up with the incontinent wildlife.

Looking down at her sore, red hands; they had once been white with nice nails, now they were rubbed red raw from washing countless pairs of socks, Snow felt like bursting into tears; not only was there sock washing to do, but there was also the cooking and cleaning and the washing up to do. If that wasn’t bad enough there were a couple of dwarves who didn’t know how to keep their dirty little hands to themselves. A shiver went down her spine at the memory as she checked that her blouse was buttoned up right to her throat. Then there was the incessant whistling; whistle will you work, whistle as they all marched off to the Crystal Meth mine. Whistle as they washed up after a day in the mine; they even whistled while they slept! It was all slowly driving her mad; if she ever got her magic back, how they would all pay!

At least when they were all down at the mine she had the cottage to herself, and Snow was too well bred a Princess to whistle. She just had to deal with the occasional insufferable Bluebird that flew in and sat on the back of a chair before starting to whistle and crap on the floor.

“One day my Prince will come...” Snow sighed to herself, “...well if he doesn’t come soon,” she added in a more determined voice, “I’ll have something to say when he does; oh by golly yes!’

A thought crossed Princess Snow’s mind, if no Handsome Prince turned up to save her soon, she'd have to take matters into her own hands. Smiling to herself Snow had an idea. Crystal Meth mines were very dangerous; hadn’t she heard that you had to be very careful about naked flames and such? Didn’t Crystal Meth mines explode sometimes? An evil grin came to the Princess' lips, it was odd but she felt better now than she had for some days. In fact she’d not felt so happy since she'd caught Pervy’s hand in the mangle when he had tried to…well that was all in the past now. Snow looked up at the clock on the wall, time was marching on and she’d have to start on the Dwarves supper soon.

“Hmmm,” walking across the kitchen to the stove, a light came on behind Snow's eyes, her evil grin turned into an evil smile, “Of course,” she'd remembered something her stepmother had taught her, “Poison...MAW-HA-HA!”

After all she was a witch and she knew ‘stuff’, Snow laughed a little more, but stopped when she realised her laughter had turned into cackling!

0=0=0=0

The Queen walked into her personal apartments and closed the door behind her.

“Alone at last,” she sighed tiredly before sitting down on her bed.

Taking off her crown she threw it onto her bed before getting up again and walking over to her dressing table. Removing the cover from her magic mirror she looked appraisingly at herself, ‘Not too bad,’ she thought, but weren’t those little worry lines appearing around her eyes?

Sure enough on closer inspection she found tiny lines developing around her eyes. Next her boobs would start to sag and her waist would start to spread. The other day she'd found several grey hairs in her beautiful black hair. Not that she'd been surprised; trying to run a Kingdom while her so-called husband tried to wreck it would turn anyone's hair grey. It was no wonder that Snow’s mother had died of a broken heart.

When Snow was brought back to her they’d have to talk; the Kingdom needed a strong ruler and not a drug drenched dimwit. Queen Elvera couldn’t take control, she was still very much the outsider, the Lords and Commons wouldn’t stand for it…but Snow could take control. If only she could just be made to see her father for what he really was? The Queen looked at herself in the mirror again as she concentrated before casting the spell.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall,” she intoned, “who is the fairest of them all?”

“Still Princess Snow,” the mirror reflected in a sort of annoying ‘chirpy chappy’ type voice, “mind you there’s a couple of milkmaids up in Athelshire that are coming along nicely!”

“Thank-you Mirror.” the Queen replied frostily, at least now she knew that her stepdaughter was still alive.

“And you’re not half bad y’self, considering your age,” continued the Mirror, “in fact you’re very attractive for someone…who…” the mirror’s voice petered out when it saw the look on the Queen's face. “Sorry,” it said after a long pause.

“Thank-you Mirror that’ll be enough of that,” ordered the Queen, “I want to know immediately if Princess Snow drops from her pole position, alright? Now I’m going to go to bed, so no peeping while I undress.”

“Of course not your Majesty!” the Mirror pretended to switch itself off for the night.

0=0=0=0

Polishing her crossbow by the light of her campfire Princess Charming congratulated herself on making such good time on her journey and she’d only got lost once! Putting down her crossbow she checked through her other weapons. Stake; just in case she met a Vampire. Silver dagger for those pesky Werewolves that prowled the night. Crossbow bolts, well those would kill most things. Next she wondered if there was anything special she needed to know about dwarves.

Thinking back to what her dancing master, Sir Nigel of Wimperton had taught her (before he’d had that most tragic accident with that new siege cannon). Sighing she smiled at the memory; Sir Nigel had been such a pompous twit and the saying about petards and being hoist on them came unbidden to her mind. Wiping the smile from her lips immediately Charming told herself that laughing at other people’s unfortunate and extremely messy deaths was not the sort of thing a Princess should be doing…however funny it might have been. Taking out the wanted poster the Queen had given her, Princess Charming carefully unfolded it and held it up to the firelight so she could read it more clearly. ‘Know your enemy’, Sir Nigel had said…incessantly.

‘Doc’, said the poster; wanted for questioning concerning un-necessary surgery performed on several Gnomes in Strathclyde.

‘Sneezy’, a petty criminal with a cocaine habit.

‘Grumpy’; wanted in connection with a grudge killing in Wessex.

‘Dopey’; a well-known drug dealer.

‘Bashful’; he’d been an ‘enforcer’ for a gang up in Northumbria until the Watch had got on his trail and he'd had to flee south.

‘Sleepy’; no information on this one, it appeared that he was only on the wanted list because he hung around with the others.

‘Happy’; a sociopathic drug dealer.

‘Busty and Leggy’; two female Dwarves wanted in Suffolk for keeping a ‘disorderly house’, whatever one of those was.

‘Pervy’; wanted for ‘Sheep Worrying’ in Erin.

Finally there was ‘Sleazy’ king of the naughty, wood cut industry.

Had there ever been such a dastardly collection of miscreants, the Princess asked herself?

“Poor Princess Snow,” Charming said to the night air, “what terrible indignities are they heaping on you at this very moment I wonder?”

0=0=0=0

Watching as yet another of the dwarves made a mad dash for the privy, Princess Snow smiled to herself. The mushrooms had been good but not quite powerful enough to take down the dwarves...permanently; damn their hearty constitutions! But, it was only a matter of time before she found something more…lethal? Maybe something to do with apples? Hearing the scream from the privy, Snow returned to her washing-up; she smiled a secret smile and sang a few lines from an old folksong to herself as she worked.

“And it burns, burns, burns,” Snow sang quietly, “the ring of fire, the ring of fire!”

0=0=0=0

It was the morning of the third day by the time Princess Charming got to that part of the Great Forest where the Dwarves had their lair. Finding a gang’s hideout wasn’t as easy as she'd first thought. Just riding up to the first Yeoman she saw and asking for directions hadn’t been one of her best ideas either. At best the farmer would just look at her as if she was ‘mazed’, whatever that meant. At worst she would get things thrown at her; and on one memorable occasion she had been chased by a mob, complete with pitchforks and torches. 

In desperation Princess Charming had taken to riding the forest in the hopes of noticing something amiss, which she in due course did. She’d been riding through the deepest darkest part of the forest when she had heard singing. It wasn’t very good singing, in fact it sounded as if the singers were singing for forms sake and would much rather be somewhere else. Dismounting, Princess Charming tied Primrose’s reins to a tree branch; all the time thinking that having a big white horse in a dark forest was another idea that maybe needed rethinking. 

Princess Charming, flitted silently between the trees until she could see the dwarves marching down the track towards her. Well, maybe not actually marching, more stumbling and staggering; they dragged picks and shovels behind them and every now and again one of the dwarves would totter out of line and throw-up by the side of the path.

“Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho,” they sang in very dispirited voices, “It’s off to work we go. With a bottle and a brick and a knife that flicks! Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho!”

They trudged towards the Princess’ hiding place; these had be the evil Dwarves that were holding poor, innocent, Princess Snow in bondage. With righteous anger in her heart Princess Charming sprang out in front of the lead Dwarf; she flourished her blade in the creature's face. The lead dwarf looked at the sword blade, which was no more than two inches away from his nose. His eyes rolled up into his head and he felt to the ground in a dead faint.

“COWARDS! VARLETS!” Princess Charming cried as she jumped over the recumbent form of the first Dwarf and lunged at the next dwarf in line. 

Her rapier pierced the foul dwarf’s heart and he fell to the ground squirting blood all over the Princess’ boots. The next few minutes were memorable for the amount of blood and severed limbs that sprayed, splattered and splashed over the forest. Afterwards Princess Charming would remember that one or two of the dwarves had actually run onto her blade with a look of relief in their eyes. She imagined that even such evil creatures must yearn for release from the wicked lives they lived and would welcome death.

0=0=0=0

Covered in dwarf blood Princess Charming backtracked her victim’s path until she came to the cottage where the dwarves had, until recently lived. Bursting through the open front door she found Princess Snow up to her bloody elbows in the chest cavity of a deer that hung form a hook in the ceiling. Charming also noticed freshly butchered rabbits and squirrels hanging from the rafters, and wasn’t that a plucked Bluebird?

“Princess Snow!” Princess Charming cried as she slid across the bloody floor until she came to a halt on one knee at Snow’s feet.

“Who the bleeding hell are you?” Princess Snow brandished her razor sharp butcher's knife and took a step away from the bloody apparition at her feet.

“I’m Princess Charming of Mercia,” Charming announced formally, “your stepmother sent me to rescue you.”

“But you’re a girl!” Snow pointed out un-necessarily.

“She couldn’t find a Handsome Prince she liked, so she sent me!” Princess Charming replied breathlessly and shrugged.

“Not a one?” Snow asked forlornly.

“Nope,” Charming shook her head, “fops and lunatics she called them.”

“Yeah,” Snow agreed, “I have to say Handsome Princes aren’t what they used to be.” Snow looked down at the still kneeling Charming, “You better get up before you stick to the floor.”

Snow helped Charming to her feet.

“So did you kill all the dwarves?” Princess Snow decided it was probably safe to put down her knife.

“Yeah,” Charming looked deeply into Snow’s eyes, “they didn’t put up much of a fight.”

“No they wouldn’t,” Snow returned Charming’s gaze with interest, “I’ve been slowly poisoning them for the last few days.”

Princess Charming put down her sword and stepped closer to Princess Snow, who didn’t step away.

“So you get half the kingdom and my hand in marriage?” Princess Snow lost herself in her sister Princess’ eyes and sighed deeply.

“I was hoping to get more than just your hand.” Princess Charming stepping up to Snow and took her in her arms.

“But we’re both girls!” Princess Snow pointed out only half-heartedly.

“I’ve got a pierced tongue!” Princess Charming stuck out her tongue to show off the little silver stud and wiggled her eyebrows up and down.

“Well that’s alright then!” Snow giggled as she melted into Charming’s arms.

0=0=0=0

After a night of passion the noise from which frightened off all the surviving wildlife around the cottage. The two young women ransacked the cottage for valuables and blew up the Crystal Meth mine. They then rode Primrose back to Snow’s stepmum’s castle, where they found that Snow’s father had very recently died from a drug induced hunting 'accident'.

Several weeks later the two Princess’ were married in a very unusual ceremony (there being two brides but no groom), and crowned joint Queens of Anglia. This all under the watchful gaze of Elvera the Queenmother; and amid great cheering and heavy consumption of alcohol by the local population. On the wedding night the castle was kept awake by cries of:

“OH YEAH BABY! DO IT AGAIN! OH! YES! THAT'S THE SPOT! RIGHT THERE! AAAGH! OOOH! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!”

So, it's safe to say that Princess Snow and Princess Charming lived _very_ happily ever after.

The End.

**Author's note;** I think Johnny Cash sang ‘Ring of Fire’ originally and may even have written it. 


End file.
